View Full Version : can you love without harmfully injuring yourself?

05-13-2005, 07:53 PM
Loving Without Injuring Yourself!
By Kainda Boering

You are in love and it feels wonderful. Well, not always, there is always that period of breaking up, feeling miserable, staring at the ceiling and downing kilolitres of chocolate ice cream. Breaking up is almost worth it just for the last reason alone. You have to work hard to make this relationship last forever, since you are almost 35, and that 18th boyfriend might prove elusive. In the process you lose yourself (or you think so) and your romantic relationship becomes all-consuming, especially with all those cards you have to give, gifts to exchange and those expensive dinners. Think about all these commercial ventures which might go bankrupt if you stay with just one partner.

When Kyra fell head-over-heels for Dan she went out of her way to create a wonderful relationship. She found herself at greyhound racing, watching Adam Sandler movies and at parties with his friends, whereas usually she will be at parties with her friends, though she gets completely wasted at both places. On Dan's advice, Kyra cut her hair short, wore less make-up and a conservative wardrobe, and in the process spent a fortune on the hairdresser, new lighter shades of all the make-up she already had and a completely new conservative wardrobe, complete with the latest fashion Iranian burqas. For Dan, this relationship was perfect. In an effort to not disappoint him, Kyra lived in constant anxiety. She had adapted to his lifestyle, defended his views and even began to talk like him, like she had done for her previous 12 boyfriends, and because the woman's mag she reads said so. Kyra's friends witnessed her change from a spirited and happy woman to a subdued and pleasing personality. This relationship had sucked the life out of Kyra, yet she was the last to notice. If it was a new trend in fashion she would have noticed earlier. Poor her.

While compromise in a relationship is a necessary ingredient for it's success, denying the core of who you are is not. When you finally realize that an all-consuming relationship is depleting you, there will be nothing left but resentment and that's when you reach for the chocolate. It will be difficult to reclaim yourself while remaining in that same relationship. The outcome of such a relationship is usually a heart-breaking crisis (though this can be averted easily by having a good dialogue and maintaining your self-preferences throughout the relationship, and not being subdued completely), with no one but you to blame. Cue more chocolate.

The opposite of an all-consuming relationship is a half-hearted relationship. This is where you go out with someone, cos all your friends do. This is called peer pressure, but I'm not going to use that term, because it is already a well documented syndrome and having that won't make you feel special. I will instead tell you that this is a different trend of love and this conditional view creates tremendous emotional insecurity. read my book "How to survive tremendous emotional insecurity?" to get out alive from this problem.

All-consuming or halfhearted relationships are very unnatural and unhealthy, in fact most of the relationships are. Think about it, if there were no problamatic relationships then there won't be "relationship experts" like me. So the existense of us proves that there are no problem-free relatioships. So if you want to get into relationships, make sure you read my books to find the solutions to all your problems.

Is there a happy medium? To you love wholeheartedly without injuring yourself requires a very different perspective of relationships. Even though you know that relationships require work, deep down you cling to a sweet illusion that meeting the right person is all it takes, until you meet the next. You will then take off on your magic carpet ride. Think again! Soon that magic rug will be pulled from underneath you, by the next guy. So, no relationships are secure, unless I say so, and I won't say so.

When in love, how do you preserve your identity and course in life? Here is the number one reason for losing yourself in a relationship: Your belief that love is something you either deserve or not! (ie, you might think either, that you deserve it or not). But, your misguided belief leads you to counterproductive efforts to do almost anything to get love and even more to hold onto it:

*You modify your identity to gain approval and love from your partner. (By which I mean you buy more stuff, which in itself a good thing, but overall a bad thing)
*You have a need to manipulate your partner.
*You eat three slices of toast in the morning, instead of the usual two.

There is nothing you have to be, or do, to earn love. When it is love, there is very little you can do to destroy it. If you can believe that, you will accept that:
*No amount of buying different stuff is going to release you from this misery.
*Being a manipulative proverbial is actually quite amusing.
*You are eventually gonna get fatter as you eat more toast.

Love is the most powerful human lesson you are ever to learn. Greeting card companies, chocolate manufacturers, and clothiers depend on that. Given they form a sizable part of all listed companies, you would not want to crash the global economy now, would you? It is a purposeful interdependence (between you and the retailer) through which you become so much more than on your own. Once you can understand that love is not something to be found, rather it is in you to be bought, you can love wholeheartedly without fear. Don't turn your back on love every time it touches you, because when you give up on love you give up on yourself.

© 2004 Kainda Boering, Relationship Expert, Coach, Speaker and the Author of 'Are You Fit To Live?' ISBN 9-8454683-7-9

Kainda holds an online MSc from Pan-World Inter-American College and Supreme University. Which went bust with the dotcom crash. She writes relationship columns in reknowned lifestyle and culture magazines. People who read those actually believes in what she writes, which means you should believe it too. Please do, otherwise, she'll cry.

1. The above is a satire based on http://www.geetham.net/forums/topic,15118,-can-you-love-without-losing-yourself-.html
2. It was supposed to be funny, so if you suffer from impaired sense-of-humour, forget all you have read. Now.
3. You can still find the above offensive. Complaints can always be forwarded to your fav god as usual. In extreme cases apologies can be purchased from your local cornershop $1.99 apiece. No credit cards. Exact change please. You can also buy discounted apologies wholesale, for future use. Interested parties please approach me personally.
4. In the case the apology has not pacified you, and you are still fuming, please consider visiting your shrink for a session.
5. The above was not aimed at anyone in particular, and was written purely for amusement. But you are not gonna believe this. So, this was written with 21 people in mind in particular and is a highly motivated personal attack and is done because I hate you even if I have no idea who you are in real life and have not met you.
6. You can freely discuss about my lack of good character and how bad a person I am. But do please take it easy on whatever instant messaging software you are using. We don't want messaging servers going down around the world do we?
7. You might find the disclaimers more amusing than the rubbish above. Again not my fault. Everyone has a limit for talent....mine is pretty low, so don't complain.
8. I'll stop now.

05-13-2005, 09:16 PM

Quiet a satire. Is there something behind the smokescreen that we are not seeing? :Ksp: :Ksp:


05-13-2005, 09:45 PM
I'm on the same side of the smokescreen as you are anainar.....if there is any such smokescreen.

Seriously, see note 5 :)

05-14-2005, 07:00 PM
What happens if you don't eat toast in the morning?? lol only kiddin :cool: ...this is really funny stuff :lol: !cool!

Rosa :sm35:

05-14-2005, 07:52 PM
Kainda Boering, ought to change her (or is it his?!!.. you never know with all this internet types), to Semma Phunny or Tong Inn Sheik.. :sm12: :sm12:

If you juxtapose and read both together, you have more fun.. :P :P Terrific, RC.. :yes: :yes: True satire.. :b: So darn subtle too.. :clap:

v- :P :P

05-15-2005, 02:02 AM
Kainda Boering

rhymes with kinda boring :sm12: :sm12: :sm12:

05-15-2005, 02:36 AM

I don't no http://www.afreeimagehost.com/upload/7817/075.gif

05-15-2005, 09:39 AM
yeah what happens if you are gluten intolerant :ahha:

how very apt Mr Kainda boering *hand on heart looking enraptured*
you have just handed all the 30-somethings a lifeline :Ksp:
so when do you get your spot on "Trisha" :ahha:

great fun to read RC...and agree with thattha ..even better when read in conjunction with the other one :wink:
bet you had great fun writing it :ahha:


05-16-2005, 05:50 PM
rhymes with kinda boring :sm12:

Duuuuddeeee !!! :P :P

Its a fictitious name... :ee: it is a pun on kinda boring... :P :P

kuzhanthaingallukku muzhsaa vizhakkamaa ezhuthanumaa? :Ksp: :Ksp:
v- :P

05-16-2005, 08:49 PM
Its a fictitious name... it is a pun on kinda boring...
It is indeed.... :ahha:

What happens if you don't eat toast in the morning??
You should learn to eat toast....and then more toast.........weetabix kills you know, fact :ahha:.....just kidding rosa ;)