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View Full Version : Dilemma.... help needed, dear Geethamites....



sabeshan
01-26-2004, 05:18 AM
Dear frenz,

I have been facing a big dilemma for the past two months... dunno what to do... so I am turning to you for help... i know there are a lot of (experienced) ppl who can help me out.... looking forward to your help in this hour of need....

To say my problem in short.... i have a friend here in my school who has been very close to me since we both joined school last fall.... she is a very good looking girl (though not too gorgeous)... i have always admired her character... she is a very lively person and lights up the surroundings with her humor and attitude... i have fallen in love with her and i dont know what to do.... cos she seems to suspect that and is getting conscious of my extra attention on her... she is drifting away slowly.... reason is probly she doesnt like me beyond a friend... though she likes me a lot but probly not to the level of a lover... i know that very well.... all my frenzz here have been asking me not to disturb our fragile relationship by bringing in an element of love as they all say i stand no chance... i realise that very well... but how can i lie to myself that she is only my friend and nothing more and suppress my deep love for her??? i felt i shud tell her everything and let whatver happen... but i am afriad i will end the beautiful friendship i once had with her (yeah 'had', cos these days she's been wary of me....).... i have been breaking my head about this all the time but i am not able to arrive at a solution.... my normal life is deeply affected becos of all this.... i am scared i will lose my balance this way....

and btw, to tell more abt us... she is far far more attractive than i am (though it is not the reason i fell for her..) and she is a very outgoing/social kind of person... whereas i am an introvert and as u guessed, stuck to the PC all the time....

frenzzzzzz i need ur valuable advice on this tricky part of my life.... and esply female members pls tell me what wud u do in case u were in HER position.... more info on this issue depending on response :( :(

cheers
Sabeshan

vennai1
01-26-2004, 06:47 AM
to be frank, i was in the same position as you quite a while ago... and i did just that

and luckily it did work ! :b:





dude... if u are still here sittin b4 the pc... get ur ** up and tell her your love.

dont be scared...for no reason :evil:

sabeshan
01-26-2004, 06:49 AM
nainaa... nee propose panna approm enna aachu?? adha sollu... did it work out??? why i am not proposing is i am afraid i might lose her as a friend too... something which scares me a lot....

sabeshan
01-26-2004, 06:50 AM
oh sorry butter... tension la unnoda post a naa seriyaa padikkave illai.... work out aanathuku congrats....

vennai1
01-26-2004, 07:04 AM
yea.. well thanks... ;)


dude... first shed all your unwanted fears...

i know you'll have butterflies twirling in your tummy when you propose...

(i was sweating in US cold weather... ;) :))


but, the fact is ...unless you express your feelings nothing +ve will ever happen...

somehow in our tamil society 99% of the time the burden of breaking the ice

falls on the man... :( ... so if your girl is also a tamil dont expect her to come

to you and propose... even if she in US... never happens ... :nono:


so again... you gottu get ur A** up and be bold ... just tell it dude...

i am sure you wont feel bad about it ! :b:

lodestar
01-26-2004, 07:06 AM
hi sabeshan,

i completely agree with mr.vennai..remember no pains no gains..so i think u should make up ur mind to tell her frankly and i hope she will like you too...wish you all the best friend. :b:

cheers

sabeshan
01-26-2004, 07:15 AM
so if your girl is also a tamil dont expect her to come
to you and propose... even if she in US... never happens ...

good thing is she is not tamil... she is north indian... as i told very outgoing and social.... modern ponnu... but has strong ties to home too... culture wise, language wise etc etc... not like ABCD... but ange thaan problem.... she likes me only as a friend (as far as i have gauged)... and i know it might not work out too... aana manasu kaekka maatengudhe.... ennoda feelings a ava kitta solli kottidanum pola thonudhu... now thing is... what if she cuts off friendship if i propose.... pls tell me how i shud put my feelings across in a subtle way such that she gets the point but still stays as a friend in case she refuses (most likely) to reciprocate?

madhu_aish1
01-26-2004, 07:18 AM
Sabesha,

Nee solluva-nu ava kathirukae ava solluvaa-nu nee kaathirukae.. nadakara kariyamaa ithu :D As vennai said get your A** up and do something positively with positive approach..

Remember time and tide waits for nobody.This seems to a Dialogue at the moment but actually its fact... We can wait till 30 . but they can't ... :D .Considering these facts better express your love as soon as possible.... :b: :b: When you can express about love with us..i am sure u can do the same with her... :D

Best wishes. Wait for more guidance from other geethamites ... :b:

vennai1
01-26-2004, 07:38 AM
Remember time and tide waits for nobody.This seems to a Dialogue at the moment but actually its fact... We can wait till 30 . but they can't ...





is this aimed at me ??? deeiiiii... :evil: :evil:

30yilum kaadhal varalaam... :evil:

madhu_aish1
01-26-2004, 07:43 AM
is this aimed at me ??? deeiiiii... :evil: :evil:

30yilum kaadhal varalaam... :evil:

[/b]

I thought you were 35++ :think: :think:

enna . vayasa korachi solluraaaa :evil: :evil: :evil: geetham-la yaraiaachum madakalamm-nu plan-aa.. :sm12: :sm12:

sabeshan
01-26-2004, 07:55 AM
30yilum kaadhal varalaam..

adhu yen varalaam nnu oru element of uncertainty oda solra maamu.... varum varum nichayama varum becos 50 ilum aasai varum... aasaiyudan paasam varum etc etc.....

san2003
01-26-2004, 08:04 AM
hey sabeshan n to all geethamites
im a girl having the exact same problem... or dilemma u call it but on the opposite side
i like this guy who is my bestest fren but i am scared to express my love to him because i am scared i might lose him as my dear fren... lucky for me... we r still close though he senses that i like him..... he is also north indian and very quiet and homely type where as i am abit outgoing but scared to tell him i like him
can u guys help me out as well? sabeshan... we r on the same boat... do u have comments?

wat i think is... guys should make the move because we girls are a bit shy... as for my case... but the thing is we r scared of the current relationship.
wat others think? :(

sabeshan
01-26-2004, 08:14 AM
hi san2003,

even though i am in no position to advise... since u have asked my opinion as a guy... lemme tell wat i feel... if i were in ur guy's place.. i will think for some time and accept ur love in most cases... rarely i might refuse but even then i will continue as a good friend as most guys do not give much thought to all these things (when they are not involved too much in the affair unlike my case where I am thinking a lot abt all this even tho i am a guy as i am deeply involved).... whereas, girls, i suspect, become very uneasy when a guy (the kind of guy they dont think beyond friendship) proposes to them and stop friendship slowly as they cant think of that guy as a friend anymore....

i suggest u give it a serious thought and if u still want to go ahead just be confident and be frank with the guy... i know it's very hard for a girl to make the first move but then as you are the one in love i guess u shud move first.... my best wishes to u for ur success....

san2003
01-26-2004, 08:26 AM
thanx sabeshan... i wish all da best for ur love as well
thanx for ur comments as well... coz i needed something from a guy's perspective
u were saying that girls become uneasy... well... i dun think so... i had a few guys asking me to be their girlfriends... my close friends.... well.... sorry to say i rejected because it is true that i did not see them beyond friends and probably i am jus madly in love with this guy i was talking about.... but we r still friends... i dun keep anything in my heart..... i think if the girl has an open mind and an open heart.... everything will work fine....though at times it bugs me, but i think it would be fine soon or later....this is my opinion
i have friends who cut friendship as soon as someone proposes to them... i think that is not fair and not respecting that person's feelings
i am not sure this helps u but this is wat i feel n think... thanx for ur thoughts
hope all da best to u :)

sabeshan
01-26-2004, 08:39 AM
i dun keep anything in my heart..... i think if the girl has an open mind and an open heart.... everything will work fine....

i pray that my girl is also like this.... :pray: :pray: :pray: :pray: :pray: :pray: :pray: :pray: :pray: :pray: :pray: :pray: :pray: :pray: :pray: :pray: :pray: :pray: :pray:

san2003
01-26-2004, 08:41 AM
my best wishes n prayers to u sabeshan :)
all da best in ur love.... hope for success for u :)

sabeshan
01-26-2004, 08:43 AM
all da best in ur love.... hope for success for u

thanks a lot for ur wishes.... wish u the same... three cheers to geetham for making me feel better... i hoped gtm wudnt let me down and gtm has kept my hopes alive and kickin'.... tanx to all of u, dear friends....

vennai1
01-26-2004, 08:55 AM
dei sebastian...stop all your crying ...get on your toes and go propose to your girl

the first thing tomorrow ! good lukk :b: :b: add some romantic flavor to it ... :b:

sabeshan
01-26-2004, 09:00 AM
get on your toes and go propose to your girl

the first thing tomorrow !

machi vennai.... nee solra speed a paartha nalaikke propose pannu, maru naal kalyanam kattiko, annikku night e honeymoon etc etc. aidum pola irukke... i asked all this only for a long term plan... ippove pottu udaichu nane en thalaila saera vaari kottikka thayaara illa... anyways, thanks to all u guys for ur wonderful inputs.... hope to hear more form the kaadhal mannans and ilavarasargals as well as from the amminis of geetham....

நன்றி
வாழ்க வளமுடன்...
என்றும் அன்புடன்
சபேசன்

katteri
01-26-2004, 03:10 PM
Sabeshan ,San2003, :
Do not delay to reveal ur love....
Be positive in ur approach..
To start speak to her/him with full confidence.Speak her/him +ve qualities ,,,say y do u like her/him ,...Do not beg /Request...(ippadi solrathu sorry but people do). At the same time tell her/ him. Take ur own time to make u rdecision...( dont give any time frame....Tell me within a week...).
If he/she didnt accept....Face the world....''Whate ever happens is for good''....
Dont think of any -ve aspects......
When u start with full confidence, express u r love from heart (shows u r frank & honest)...
if he/she rejects ur proposal tell her/him to take some to decide..Do not show disappointment in ur face.....
After all Vazhkai is for vazhvatherkeeee

Shy
01-26-2004, 04:29 PM
sabesan,

First congrats !!!! Love panninathuku ;). I second vennai and others here. Nothing will happen, unless u make it happen. Dont worry that u will lose her as friend. If shes in true love with you, sure she will accept your proposal. Nadakaathu but irunthaalum other side solanum ellaiyaa athaan solraen.. appadiyae if she did not accept, from ur post it seems u are pretty good friends and she likes u lot as a friend, so she will never leave u, but explain u why she cant accept u in that level.

But yaethukkum worry panaatheenga. Solaamavitutoomae.. soli irunthuirukalaamoo'nu think panni kashta padrathaivida... few minutes kashtapaattu dhill'ooda poi solidrathu better. It will take a load of stress from you. Valentines day vaera varuthu.. try something creatively and impress her :b: :b: :b: :b: best of luck. Any Ideas let us know.. will help u out ;)

Shy

sandhiya_ch
01-26-2004, 04:36 PM
i pray that my girl is also like this.... :pray: :pray: :pray: :pray: :pray: :pray: :pray: :pray: :pray: :pray: :pray: :pray: :pray: :pray: :pray: :pray: :pray: :pray: :pray:

ey vennai my girlnu sollare eppadi iruppa nnu unakku theriyaatha

sandhiya_ch
01-26-2004, 04:44 PM
inga solla mattum guts pathaathu sabesa go and tell it to her too - but remember ur attitude is going to decide your love PAARTHU PA.

as vennai told and others told go ahead boldly. when u have guts to tell ur friends here, y not tell her itself about the thoughts running in your mind, u said she is a very good friend of urs. and since she is outgoing, if you are open to her, she would mildly reject if she didnt want it that way or would accept if she wants u.
be clear sabesa, it is not only matter of love, it is matter of ur life.
so be clear in your future plans and tell her all your thoughts and how these thoughts are disturbing your daily life.

as she is your best friend, ask for her help. AM SURE SHE WOULD TURN UP HOLDING YOUR HAND - AS UR LOVE / UR FRIEND, but she would. (athu thaan matterey)

as a rule of nature (as vennai said) most of the girls would expect that guys come to them to propose.

GO MAN, GOOD LUCK

sabeshan
01-26-2004, 07:24 PM
thanks a lot friends... feel a lot better... almost everyone has the same point... i feel i shud implement ur suggestions.... thanks a lot friends....

மங்களகரமான செய்தியுடன ் உங்களை நான் மீண்டும் சந்திக்க வாழ்த்துங் கள்!!!

Shy
01-26-2004, 07:30 PM
Dont worry sabesan, If its fate and written, none can seperate you...

Shy

katteri
01-26-2004, 11:08 PM
Sabhesan thozhaa.

Good luck...
Thairiymai sollunghaaa..ok

dinesh
01-26-2004, 11:20 PM
dude...be careful of any approach....for whatever the advice guys here might give you and how experienced they are in this matters ;) we don't know anything about this girl. she might not like the way you are approaching her these days, that might be the reason she's moving away.
My advice is, try to get to know what her idea of all this is, but mainly to not give her the impression you're falling for her. This is coming from a real experience. Some girls don't like all the attention at all.....
More than everything, it should be your decision dude. You know her more than anybody else here does, and you should know by now what she's like. if she's the outgoing, carefree type no problem in telling her as there is a chance of you reasoning and her patiently listening. If she's inside the shell type of person, then if you tell her that'll make her retreat more into the shell
Anyway, best of luck

butterfly
01-26-2004, 11:32 PM
OOps...I dunno wat I am doing here :)....probably am going to be shot here...but cant help say my points :)
sab wrote


good thing is she is not tamil... she is north indian... as i told very outgoing and social.... modern ponnu... but has strong ties to home too... culture wise, language wise etc etc... not like ABCD... but ange thaan problem...


sab,
I know everyone encouraged u do go ahead...but there are certain factors u got to check into...for her & for urself
1. Are u both of same religion
2. wud ur parents accept her & so does hers accept U
coz u have written she is outgoing but has strong family ties....Try to find out about how she wud react ...coz u proposing to her can also hurt her feelings...that being her best friend who didnt understand wat she wants nu...so try to find wat her principles are regarding love....seek help frm friends...there is still time for valentines day...so pls get ur facts straight...before u ruin a beautifull friendship....am saying this coz u said u find her withdrawing frm u already ...I really dont mean to sound negative...but since u care so much for her...be sensitive to the issue

silican
01-26-2004, 11:58 PM
Hi,
Butterfly has got some good points to b noted. But long back, I too was in your position Sabeshan. I suddenly got some feelings on a friend and didnt know what it was. Suffered a lot keeping my thoughts to myself and after serious thoughts made up my mind to go and tell her straight away and I did tht too. She straight away put that down but that incident didnt bring our friendship to an end. Though I was a bit down for some time and was avoiding her a bit, things had to go on . Now we both have come through a long way even before we could realize whats going on. So the point is "just go ahead and tell it buddy"

anainar
01-27-2004, 12:02 AM
Sabesh,

Atlast I am heartened to see one sane voice. Pattu, well said. If any one is trying to shoot you, I will be there to support you.

It is easy to get carried away with all these emotions and what ever Pattampoochi said may sound trivial. But believe me, they do take their own shape after some time. Sometimes it is even monstrous. Unless there is strong commitment and give-take, chances of heartburn are much higher. Tread the path carefully and dont be in a rush. It is easy to fall in love these days with all the hoopla around it, but life is a different ball game. If she does not have strong feelings for you, any thing that she gives will have a price associated( not necessarily money, but she will feel she compromised a lot for you ).

Women have strange ways of behaviour. We infer that they are so and so, but they will be entirely different inside. They have their own agenda of where to settle, what to do, how to live with their husband, how to react to in-laws etc. And life without family/parents/brother/sisters is hell. It is very easy to throw the family to dustbin in the name of love, only to regret later. Measure all these things and make a choice. End of the day you want to live happily whether with this girl or who ever it is. If both your and that girls family are progressive in their values, then that wont be a major problem. But it is worth finding out befor jumping the well.

Again, this is not to discourage you or anything like that. But to point you to the pitfalls that easily get over looked only to repend later.

Cheers.

madhu_aish1
01-27-2004, 12:05 AM
Hi everyone,
I dont understand one point.. How can one end a relationship just becuase he/she turned down your love. Then what is the meaning of freindship.. :think: :think: :think: Love could be a development over the platform of freindship.. that doest mean ..when ur love doesnt succeed you basement needs to be destroyed.... come on guys lets be practical and grow up..

Am i thinking arbid here.. :think: :think: If someone can clear this i would be very happy.. :D These were my practical thoughts

dinesh
01-27-2004, 12:08 AM
Friendship these days is not perfect...that's why :ahha:

butterfly
01-27-2004, 12:09 AM
I didnt notice shidinesh post...guess he posted while I was thinking how to post mine in a better way for sab to understand & not be shot by others :)....good words shidinesh,silican & anainar....now I feel better :)

madhu_aish1
01-27-2004, 12:13 AM
Friendship these days is not perfect...that's why :ahha:

what do u mean by perfect. Do u doubt yourself or the other friends... If you say a element of doubt exists in the relationship ...that kinda of understading will never bloom into true love ..may be materialistic love..

dinesh
01-27-2004, 12:17 AM
Well, what I meant it that can be affected by other things, like one person telling their love. People then assume the other person has changed, and break off, where true friends will understand what made the other person to behave in such a way.

butterfly
01-27-2004, 12:22 AM
madhu wrote


Hi everyone,
I dont understand one point.. How can one end a relationship just becuase he/she turned down your love. Then what is the meaning of freindship.. Love could be a development over the platform of freindship.. that doest mean ..when ur love doesnt succeed you basement needs to be destroyed....



madhu,
Look it @ the other way...who is ur best friend...someone whom u trust so much...u look up to that person to know u well...all of a sudden when he comes & tells u he loves u...its natural for the gal to wonder were she went wrong....if he misinterpreted her freedom of friendhip...it can really hurt...that he didnt understand her realtionship...That is the reason many gals withdraw themselves...a best friend is someone who takes the place of a father,brother & a friend :)....its a lot of responsiblity :)...so andha punithamana relationship thappa purinjukitta it wud hurt :(

madhu_aish1
01-27-2004, 12:35 AM
madhu,
Look it @ the other way...who is ur best friend...someone whom u trust so much...u look up to that person to know u well...all of a sudden when he comes & tells u he loves u...its natural for the gal to wonder were she went wrong....if he misinterpreted her freedom of friendhip...it can really hurt...that he didnt understand her realtionship...That is the reason many gals withdraw themselves...a best friend is someone who takes the place of a father,brother & a friend :)....its a lot of responsiblity :)...so andha punithamana relationship thappa purinjukitta it wud hurt :(

ekkooi ... thanks for explaining... :D

But i will expalin in the way asked. Look at the bolded area..... Don't you expect all the above qualities from the person you love... :think: :think: As simple as that... Actually my problem is I think there is only a thin line between friendship and love... It could be a possiblity they overlap.. :D . Everything boils down to "Exchange of Thoughts :D " which is sole purpose to in leading a happy life.. :D

I cant imagine to backfire from my true friend.. Ironically I am speaking all these things but never been in such situations and never wanted to be.. :D

pattam am i confusing here..but I am... :lol: :lol: :lol:

Shy
01-27-2004, 12:54 AM
ekkooi ... thanks for explaining... :D

But i will expalin in the way asked. Look at the bolded area..... Don't you expect all the above qualities from the person you love... :think: :think: As simple as that... Actually my problem is I think there is only a thin line between friendship and love... It could be a possiblity they overlap.. :D . Everything boils down to "Exchange of Thoughts :D " which is sole purpose to in leading a happy life.. :D

I cant imagine to backfire from my true friend.. Ironically I am speaking all these things but never been in such situations and never wanted to be.. :D

pattam am i confusing here..but I am... :lol: :lol: :lol:

Very true madhu. True best friend in life will not back out from the relationship when someone expresses their feeling the other not interested in. Silican relationship paarunga.. they did not loose it.. because they trust each other much and it wasnt eithers ones fault.

I wont agree with that butterfy backing out assuming she made some mistake in her friendship.. the practical reason is girl cant digest the fact that their friend had a feeling that she didnt and will never be normal again unless shes ur real best friend. Thats the yellow line, as madhu said. Best friendship is where u trust them more than anybody else, like them very much. have no secrets whatsoever. but we dont have that feeling towards them. Thats it. but we will be there for them for everything else.

Shy

madhu_aish1
01-27-2004, 01:03 AM
SIDE TRACK :

Well said SHY ekkooi.. feeling much better..(I mean the ripples in the mind is settling) :D

I think this is the first time we both together, well planned ..going to odaichify a big pooshanikai on pattam poochi thalai... Hope it doesnt get distorted... :lol: :lol: :lol:

Pattams ..just kidding.. :ahha: opinions from 360 degrees is what an Engineer look forward to see... :D

Shy
01-27-2004, 01:05 AM
Butterfly, anainar and Silican.. differing from you all in this matter :)

We are not talking abt love in college or school, but when a guy is settled careerwise and is planning to marry and settle. Manasukku pudichu, life long will be with her'nu mudvu pannitaa. Then first and foremost we want to know abt the other persons interest not abt family issues.

Athai vitutu, religion, caste, sub caste ellam yosichutu iruntha, athu ennanga love?? Obviously u will feel a big monster waiting for you, because not many families will accept when we say Ilove someone else.We should first get teh guts to let our feelings to the person we love and then together shud face the hurdles in life to be together.

Assume sabesan in south Indian and shes north Indian. Anainar veetula aathesiyam oothukitaanga.. but how many traditional south indian families will accept..Appo neenga solra mathiri paartha none can love, except search for people in ur religion and caste and then love...

Appo kalappu therumanam engae nadakkum???

Family is very important, but together athai face pananum.. thats what true love is :)

Sorry yaethaavathu thappa soli irunthaenna..

Shy

silican
01-27-2004, 01:09 AM
Shy,
Naan enna thappa sonnen ? I said Butterfly has a valid point. I just said my experience. In fact the best thing is "Do according to your instincts and conditions. Never depend on other's opinions and suggestions"

Comenaughty
01-27-2004, 01:10 AM
sabesha,
i go along with shy in my opinion.... the traditions differ a lot between the north indian and the south indian.... give a deep thought aout it be4 u make a decision, for its in preliminary stage now.....

watever it is, i am sure it will make u feel more mature and boosts ur confidence level in the end, watever the outcome can be..... :wink:

all the best :b:
naughty

dinesh
01-27-2004, 01:14 AM
The dude asked how to tell his love, and now we are advising him whether he should've fallen in love in the first place, because he was from a different part of the country.... :lol:

sabeshan......ithellam padichutu neenga romba thelivaa irupeengannu nambaren :)

Comenaughty
01-27-2004, 01:19 AM
well shidinesh,
i have seen that girls expect a commitment more than jus hanging around in this age of 20-24.... in which case, if a guy is also interested in such a long time commitment, it makes sense to think long range.... sabeshan hadnt given details about his 'would be' girl friend and thats y all this commotion.....

i am adding it now as i had missed it in my earlier post..... sabeshan, i feel u shud find more abt her family, whether she is conservative etc and etc and weigh ur options then..... this is in case u want a commitment too!!

naughty

vasan
01-27-2004, 01:30 AM
Sab...

Glad you will be speaking to your friend.. :) Good luck buddy !

Some dos- and don'ts... not that i am an expert, but thought I will say, and if some one thinks otherwise they can write too..

Choose an non-threatening occasion or place to talk. If you make it a highly romantically suited place - she and you both would be nervous. She should be normal, sensible, and attentive to what you say. Yennada, yeen ippadi vanthu enna sollaporaannu tension-la illama, relax-daa irukkum pothu sollu...

Don't do it with too many people (known friends around).. .. It will make her uncomfortable...

Do it with some stuff you know she likes... (say, shopping, ice-cream, coffee.. movie something.. !!) preferably something that you guys have done together before (either as a group or as just two people. She wont' feel threatened... !

Don't shock - open it gradually. DOn't drag and be wishy-washy. Be clear and not coldy-logical. Don't recite poetry (you could do that when you ask her to marry you but not the first time you tell her how much you like her or love her...!)... Be sensible, not overtly or crudely funny. And above all KEEP a SMILE plastered on your face... Smile frequently, take away yours and her natural uneasiness of opening a new subject..

mmm.. innum enna sollanumnu yosikeren... :) Be yourself, da. You might be willing to change here and there to be her perfect choice, but deep inside the best of you remains the best of you. When she falls in love with you, it will be for who you are, and not who you might become.

Good luck !

Vasan

ps: Patience is a virtue. Don't rush. Patience does not mean delay or procastination, it means being considerate, and making best use of the time. Above all, bro, love her sincerely - there is no more attractive person than a person who loves sincerely...

ps.ps. Sorry, but I had some server problems and it was not connecting at all.. so some of the comments were probably repetitions.. .:) Forgive me folks.. and Sab..

ps: ps: ps: While I agree with Butterfly and Anainar on the cultural aspect of it, I would not go too far though. Manasu is manasu man.. .there is not much cold-logic to falling in love. Friendship is 'punitham' but so is love. Nothing bad about it. However, take in mind the practical parts of what B & A suggest. In case if your parents or some one else disagree and feel bad about it, you should be willing to be patient, and persevere. If you can't tough it out for whatever reason, too much would be depending on luck. Be courageous and patient in nurturing relationships - be it friendships or love.....

ps:ps:ps:ps: thairiyaama sollunga sabeshan. good friends don't make mistakes. you are not asking her to marry you tomorrow - you are only saying how much you like her and love her. If she reciprocates the same sentiments, like everyvody else you can iron out the little differences (including language and culture and what not.. ).. remember, you are not betraying your past - you are welcoming a mixture of two healthy practices. Just be clear headed and strong though...

in case if I had forgotten to say, All the very best!!!!

vasan
01-27-2004, 01:35 AM
Sabeshan,

Individuals deal with their choices a bit differently. So each of us has put it in our own ways and styles. Don't get nervous - read them all, absorb it, and do as your heart and REASON dictates. Don't be coldly logical, or don't be too sentimental and throw away reason.

Just do it. Most times the regret of not attempting the first step is lot lot worse and difficult than mending a broken friendship.. :)

Hope to hear a good and happy story for Valentine, bro...

Shy
01-27-2004, 01:48 AM
Shy,
Naan enna thappa sonnen ? I said Butterfly has a valid point. I just said my experience. In fact the best thing is "Do according to your instincts and conditions. Never depend on other's opinions and suggestions"

:( :( :( :(

Silican.. romba sorry.. naan ungalai thappa solalai.. just differed from ur thoughts.. olunga ennoda fullpost padinga..... butterfly said why girls back off'nu.. appadi nadakaathu if its true best frienship.. example urs'nu soli irukaen .. Got to think abt family when its commitment.. but pananummaanu think panakuudathu if ur heart is in love.. epapdi panrathunu think pananum.. thats what i differ..

Shy

silican
01-27-2004, 02:02 AM
Shy,
Ok...I agree with ur first post.. But previous post'la u had said ,
but pananummaanu think panakuudathu if ur heart is in love.. epapdi panrathunu think pananum.. What do u mean ?

butterfly
01-27-2004, 02:15 AM
madhu wrote


Actually my problem is I think there is only a thin line between friendship and love... It could be a possiblity they overlap..


very true madhu...all I am saying is find out before u proceed...dont make decision based on instincts...anainar explained it very well :)

sabeshan
01-27-2004, 03:19 AM
Guys... I went thru each and every post... I am very happy to see so many ppl giving so many valuable tips... Intially I was apprehensive when i posted the topic as it is abt my personal life but u guys have not let me down.... given me tons of moral support.. i felt like replying each and evry post so i am combining all that in this single post.... very very sorry if it is long and boring......


shidinesh
dude...be careful of any approach....for whatever the advice guys here might give you and how experienced they are in this matters we don't know anything about this girl. she might not like the way you are approaching her these days, that might be the reason she's moving away.

very true maams... she is like that... she recently started drifting away because of one incident... or rather group of incidents.... she went to india for her sis's marriage... i used to call her often as i cudn't bear the separation... and it so happened that i always called her at odd times... like when she was shopping for her sis's dresses or with relatives etc... she used to bear it all... but on the day of marriage i called her during muhurtham time... evryone was silent and cellphone was ringing thanks to me... it was really embarrasing for her and her family... and not just that... i had sent one package thru her for my parents for pongal... pongal was pretty close and i wanted to make sure it was sent in time.. so i called her place and spoke to her dad and not just that... left tons of SMSs on her cellphone and her sis's cellphone (by mistake) abt this package thing... she was very furious but she dint snap at me still... her dad... poor guy... in the hurry burry of marriage posted it for me.... all this caused a very cheap opinion of me in her mind... even though i had no clue what was going on all the time....


My advice is, try to get to know what her idea of all this is, but mainly to not give her the impression you're falling for her. This is coming from a real experience. Some girls don't like all the attention at all.....

yeah she herself told me once that she doesnt like all the attention i shower on her... but then she likes my sense of humour and enjoys the way i ottify her....


Pattams
1. Are u both of same religion
2. wud ur parents accept her & so does hers accept U
coz u have written she is outgoing but has strong family ties....Try to find out about how she wud react ...coz u proposing to her can also hurt her feelings...that being her best friend who didnt understand wat she wants nu...so try to find wat her principles are regarding love....seek help frm friends...

yeah we are from same religion and ironically from same caste (though i give a damn to all those things)... when we were discussing one day i found out all that... but then even if she happened to be a tribal from Kenya... i wud still love her... i dont even care abt all these things... in fact she is like that too... my parents also give me freedom on all these things... her parents too... that way route clear but she is my main concern


there is still time for valentines day...so pls get ur facts straight...before u ruin a beautifull friendship....am saying this coz u said u find her withdrawing frm u already ...I really dont mean to sound negative...but since u care so much for her...be sensitive to the issue

i really don want to propose on val's day as it wud be too corny.... i will do it some other day... but then it has only been four months since i know her... i cant jump in so soon... thats my feeling... i think i still need to know her more....


silican
So the point is "just go ahead and tell it buddy"

yeah i am very clear abt that... i will defly tell her one day but not now... i want things to cool down a bit esply after what happened recently...


aanainar
They have their own agenda of where to settle, what to do, how to live with their husband, how to react to in-laws etc. And life without family/parents/brother/sisters is hell. It is very easy to throw the family to dustbin in the name of love, only to regret later. Measure all these things and make a choice. End of the day you want to live happily whether with this girl or who ever it is. If both your and that girls family are progressive in their values, then that wont be a major problem. But it is worth finding out befor jumping the well.

nanbaa... inga loves kke thindaattam... neenga kannalam alavukku poiteengale... but anyways neenga sonnathu 100 ku 100 unmai... i will give all that a serious thought once i do something abt this.....


Shy
We are not talking abt love in college or school, but when a guy is settled careerwise and is planning to marry and settle.

ayyayyo innum avlo vayasu aagaleenga... i am still in college... ;) ;) ;) ;)


Athai vitutu, religion, caste, sub caste ellam yosichutu iruntha, athu ennanga love?? Obviously u will feel a big monster waiting for you, because not many families will accept when we say Ilove someone else.We should first get teh guts to let our feelings to the person we love and then together shud face the hurdles in life to be together.

thats very true... i din think abt all that when i first wanted to talk to her and know more abt her... in fact shes north indian and me pachai thamizhan.... luckily i can speak english and hindi too... so i can express my love to her intelligibly ;) ;) ;)


Comenaughty
sabesha,
i go along with shy in my opinion.... the traditions differ a lot between the north indian and the south indian.... give a deep thought aout it be4 u make a decision, for its in preliminary stage now.....

adhan munnadiye sollitene... she is a very modern ponnu... gives a damn for blind superstitions/narrow minded ideas etc... though she is not irreligious etc... so hopefully i shudnt face a problem


Vasan
Sab...

mmm.. innum enna sollanumnu yosikeren... Be yourself, da. You might be willing to change here and there to be her perfect choice, but deep inside the best of you remains the best of you. When she falls in love with you, it will be for who you are, and not who you might become.

thalaivaa... unga kaal enge??? ivlo thella thelivaa yaarume tutorials kodukka mudiyaadhu... umakku kodi punyam.... i feel very happy to see that u are taking genuine interest in my problem... mikka nandri... i feel honored....


Individuals deal with their choices a bit differently. So each of us has put it in our own ways and styles.

Even though all of u have said so many things... u all agree on one point... i shud be confident to say my mind... even i didnt realise that... now i am very confident and feel refreshed after all ur encouragement... i will surely approach her with my feelings but i will be patient too....

I feel so happy today... all u guys have taken so much pains to make me feel better.... unmaiyave geetham is a family for me... initially i used to be amused when madhu, aaru, vasan etc used to call geetham family etc. but now i realise that they are so correct... i appreciate the fact that u guys have spent so much of ur valuable time on just me.... feel very elevated....


Hope to hear a good and happy story for Valentine, bro...

Probly not this Val Day.... but some other day i will tell u guys the outcome... success or not....

butterfly
01-27-2004, 03:48 AM
Madhu wrote,


think this is the first time we both together, well planned ..going to odaichify a big pooshanikai on pattam poochi thalai... Hope it doesnt get distorted...


ahhhhhhhhhh....ippo than idhu parthen...enn poosanika enakeva??...


sorry sab for detouring the subject with poosanika :)...am glad ur getting ur facts straight & giving time...All the best to u & ur gf :)

Shy
01-27-2004, 03:57 AM
Sabesan,

I am really happy after reading ur post. Nalla clear thoughts taking all our advices.. Good.. Initially even there was some stuff(pongal package) that was an embaraasment to you..dont worry she will take it in the right sense :b: ... I am really proud to hear that u are really into her and not worried abt the consequences you wilf face, but ready to do that for her(fortunately not here as both families are open :)).. Appadi thaan irukanum, when in love. antha dhill iruntha poothum sabesan, u can achieve what u want in life

Best luck buddy... !!!!!

Shy

anainar
01-27-2004, 04:05 AM
nanbaa... inga loves kke thindaattam... neenga kannalam alavukku poiteengale... but anyways neenga sonnathu 100 ku 100 unmai... i will give all that a serious thought once i do something abt this.....

Ada paavi Sabesha, ippadi kavuthiteengalay!!! Normally we expect love to culminate in marriage and life long commitment. And while falling in love itself all those things need to be looked at if you are serious. You dont want to walk away, just because she wants to be in the US and you want to go back to India( or vice versa ). People have their preferences and feel comfortable in one environment and any change in that comes with a price. You need to know what that prices is see whether you are willing to pay that price. This is just one thing. There are many other things we discussed. Be sure to what is going to be a compromise and whether both you and that girl are upto it.

I dont thinkg that the girl will withdraw if you propose her. She might do that initially, but after some time will come to think of it and rationalise. Even if she does not turn around, so be it. You might miss her friendship for a while, but you will let it pass. But atleast you will know what she thinks instead of hanging in thread. You will come through this eventually and I am sure stronger either way.

Cheers.

Shy
01-28-2004, 12:47 AM
Shy,
Ok...I agree with ur first post.. But previous post'la u had said ,
but pananummaanu think panakuudathu if ur heart is in love.. epapdi panrathunu think pananum.. What do u mean ?

Silican... When u are in love vachukoonga.. appo poi enna religion, enna caste.. sub caste enna.. status enna.. appadi ellam think pana kuudaathu.. Like sabesan said.. kenya poona irunthaalum.. if u really love her.. then u shoudl start thinking how to tell ur feeelings to her and then if success then together have to sit together and think abt handling the situation'nu solavaenthaen...

Eppo purinchuthoo :)

Shy

butterfly
01-28-2004, 01:15 AM
shy wrote,


When u are in love vachukoonga.. appo poi enna religion, enna caste.. sub caste enna.. status enna.. appadi ellam think pana kuudaathu



shy,
Dont u think most of the problems rise later coz of this...???...specially when it comes to kids?

sabeshan
01-28-2004, 04:50 AM
shy,
Dont u think most of the problems rise later coz of this...???...specially when it comes to kids?

Yeah, true... but when you are prepared to love someone, you should think of the consequences too... u shud be ready for sacrifices if need be... in my case... i gave it all a very deep thought... i do not think it will be a problem... i do agree that fissures erupt regarding religion etc. after marriage but I think it is only religion which cud pose a problem for most couples after marriage as the issue of bringing up children in either religion comes up... fortunately, for me the issue is not valid as we both are from same religion :) Not that I care... but because it could pose a problem after marriage as anainar said... but other things like language, caste etc. are no problem for anyone... at least for me... i give a damn to such things... not that i do not respect my language or something but I don't want to force my children (if i marry this girl ;)) to speak my language... if they have interest in it they will speak to me in my mother tongue... and knowing her attitude i think she wudn't have any problem too...

vasan
01-28-2004, 06:55 AM
OK Sab...

Any progress? Or will that be confidential.. if you feel like making a comment on that please do so... ofcourse if there are reasons to celebrate, even if you don't want to discuss the details, just throw in a party at geetham... :yes:

sabeshan
01-28-2004, 08:05 AM
Any progress? Or will that be confidential.. if you feel like making a comment on that please do so... ofcourse if there are reasons to celebrate, even if you don't want to discuss the details, just throw in a party at geetham...

dear vasan... if there is any progress, u guys will be the first to know abt that as I feel that u guys will be genuinely happy for me (if there is any success)... but as of now, i am going thru a process of reconciliation with her (after the rift caused when she was in india)... thinigs are limping back to the original state albeit very slowly... and i am in no hurry to accelerate it all.. let things happen at their own pace and when i realise she is very comfortable in my company, i will step up the gas pedal... till then it is trisanku sorgam for me ;) ;) ;) ;).... but it shud materialise before my bday.... and i wont tell when it is.... and if it DOES work out... i have grand plans for geetham... trust me....

vennai1
01-28-2004, 10:56 AM
but it shud materialise before my bday....






dei sebastian... Gemini are known to love like crazy... ;)

a good example is starring at your face :)

so keep rowing the love boat da ! :b: good luck ! :b:

anainar
01-28-2004, 02:06 PM
Vennai,

Ithu summa savaadadla illati real? I am also a gemini. Athu thaan kettayn. :lol:

Cheers

vennai1
01-28-2004, 10:51 PM
Vennai,

Ithu summa savaadadla illati real? I am also a gemini. Athu thaan kettayn





dei aiyanaar... savadaal ellaam illa...

200% unmai ! :b:


nee venaa paathukitte iru... by June sebastian is going to

give us all a treat ;) :)

sabeshan
01-28-2004, 11:24 PM
nee venaa paathukitte iru... by June sebastian is going to

give us all a treat

ahaa... kekkave evvalo kaadhukku kulirchchiyaa irukku.... vennaiyappa nee solrathu mattum nadantha naan un thalaiyil 1008 thengai.. oops... un nalvaazhvai vendi iraivan munnilaiyil 1008 thengai udaippen ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)

vennai1
01-28-2004, 11:29 PM
ahaa... kekkave evvalo kaadhukku kulirchchiyaa irukku.... vennaiyappa nee solrathu mattum nadantha naan un thalaiyil 1008 thengai.. oops... un nalvaazhvai vendi iraivan munnilaiyil 1008 thengai udaippen


sebastian... you cannot help it macchan.... when u were born ... as a gemini

you were decided to love like crazy... so romance namma rathathile oori kedakku :)

dinesh
01-28-2004, 11:33 PM
Inga sila peru kathula poo mattum vekkamaattanga.....periya botanical gardens-e veppannga :lol:

vennai1
01-28-2004, 11:36 PM
Inga sila peru kathula poo mattum vekkamaattanga.....periya botanical gardens-e veppannga




makkale... english-la 'jealousy'-nnu oru word irukku...

ungalluku example venumnaa inga vaanga peeach :sm12:

sabeshan
01-28-2004, 11:42 PM
makkale... english-la 'jealousy'-nnu oru word irukku...

என்னங்க... இது போன்ற நிலைமைக்கு ஆங்கிலம் போன்ற ஏழை மொழியை பயன் படுத்துகிற ீர்கள்? தமிழில் அழகாய் 'பொறாமை', 'வயிற்றெரி ்சல்', 'புகைத்தல்' என்று எத்தனை எத்தனை அறுமையான சொர்கள் உள்ளன :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

vennai1
01-28-2004, 11:43 PM
sorry sebastian...

outside tamil karuththukkalam... naan english-la thaan pesuven :)

just joking...


PS: jealous aagaatheenga makkale... it is bad for health ;)

dinesh
01-28-2004, 11:45 PM
unmaiyach chonnen....enna seyya.....nadathunga nadathunga :)

vennai1
01-28-2004, 11:46 PM
unmaiyach chonnen....enna seyya.....nadathunga nadathunga




dinesh... athellaam ok thaan...

un avtor maathudaa peeach... oru vadivaana pen photo-va podraa peeach :pray:

dinesh
01-28-2004, 11:47 PM
en intha ponnu alagillaiyaa?

p_arunsrinivasan
01-29-2004, 05:23 AM
sabeshan,

All the best... i am sure by this time u wud have thought what needs to be done..

my sincere wishes... all the best...

Cheers,
Arun.P.

sabeshan
01-29-2004, 05:25 AM
thanks arun... ungala maari naalu nalla peroda aasiyila thaan mudhal adi edhuthu vaikka poren... paakkalaam....

Horizon2004
01-30-2004, 12:43 AM
Unn vazhkai Unn Kaiyilll maaaaaaaaa.
This is most critical than the rocket science. It all depends upon u'r time and way u behaved with her in the past. If your luv was true then it'll work. Prepare for the big day to propose and think thrice what your gonna SAY.
I wish the best to u buddy.

anjaligirl
03-26-2004, 08:40 PM
so did u tell her? What did she say? You cant just ask us for advice then dissapear without telling us waht happened?

sri_gan
03-26-2004, 09:02 PM
Inga enna nadakuthu nu enakku puriyalai... enakku athule dilema :sm12::sm12::sm12::sm12:

sagi
03-27-2004, 04:13 AM
pulling back the topic after 2 months :think:
anyway so sabesan anna is happy now or not?
anyone know ?

jaggy4u
08-23-2004, 02:43 AM
Yes man...am eager to know tht too..wat happened? if it is happy you would have posted here right?
but also since ur happy u have no time to post here...
ore kulappama irukke...