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Shy
04-30-2004, 05:02 PM
After a love failure, or after an infactuation or after a breakup from a serious relationship, should one be honest and transparent about to their marriage partner about their affair.

This was the scenario I heard recently.

A girl was in love with a guy. But due to some reason, they brokeup. The girl got married only to know that the guy she was in love was her husband's friend. Since it would be hard to act as if they dont know before, she decided to tell her husband just few days of her marriage. Even though the guy is very broadminded and very modern, he didnt take it well. Now they are waiting for divorce.

So does it mean that even though many talk that they can forget their partners past etc etc.. When it comes to their partner, they still cant accept it. isnt?

Shy

yogesh220
04-30-2004, 05:07 PM
I would never tell my affairs to my wife....never ever...."Veliyila pora oonaanai eduthu naan yean vaatiyila vidanum...appuram kuthuthee kudaiyutheenu kathanum...?:think:

Shy
04-30-2004, 05:11 PM
I would never tell my affairs to my wife....never ever...."Veliyila pora oonaanai eduthu naan yean vaatiyila vidanum...appuram kuthuthee kudaiyutheenu kathanum...?:think:

Appo u mean u will not be honest with ur wife??? :00: :00:

Shy

unique
04-30-2004, 05:30 PM
Thalaivaliyum,palvaliyum thanaku vandha thaan teriyumnu solluvaanga.....adhe maadhiri thaan iduvum....People might boast abt being broadminded n stuff......but avangalukkunu indha maadhiri situation vandha definitely reaction wuld be different.......idhu ennoda opinion....

dinesh
04-30-2004, 05:34 PM
In an ideal world, you have to be honest. But our communities have been brought up with middle class values for a long time, being transperant will be at your peril. Get to know your partner well enough and you are sure they'll understand your feelings, then you can tell. Otherwise it'll be better if you keep mum.

As the grand old sage once said பொய்மையும் வாய்மையிடத ்த புரைதீர்ந் த நன்மை பயக்குமெனி ன்

vasan
04-30-2004, 05:40 PM
I am not married - so I don't know if I can answer this question. But if my future wife tells me if she was in love with some one else (or if she happens to be a widow), its no big a deal.

People fall in love, have serious or silly crushes in their life. I do. (:ee: some say too much, in fact.. a new love every week... but hey, I am slowing down, its only once every fortnight now.. .. :oops: ).

What is genuinely to be concerned is, if they are heart broken, it would take time and effort to mend their hearts and be normal and find love again. If you are not in a 'love' marriage situation, it will be more compounded, since you are pretty much 'have to' do that with your spouse. (what I mean is, if a person broke up with some one, and took his/her time and then found some one else to confide and love, then no big deal. On the other hand, the person is suddenly 'arranged' to marry another one in marriage, there might be no time to heal or trust another one - especially one who might be against falling in love... It takes time and gentleness to heal wounds of the heart..

Also is the problem of still carrying the torch for former flames.. (rr.. too many mixed metaphors.. or similies or whatever.. :ee:)

thoughtfully,

v (not that V, but the other v )

vasan
04-30-2004, 05:46 PM
whew.. I hope my future wifey does not expect me to 'recount in detail' all the past.... I would then ask her to become an active member of Geetham and force her read all the posts (the photo ops.. :P :P :P ) I wonder what she would think...

By the way, I don't know who or where she is... (but I am hoping.. that perhaps her first name ends in the letter 'a'.. you know.. like Esha, Trisha, Meera, Sneha, Puja, Amoha, Namitha.... :P :P :P )

v (yes.. the other v, not the V)

unique
04-30-2004, 05:50 PM
Side track:Vasan appadi amailana neenga avanga perai maathidungo....

Shy sorry for the sidetrack.....continue pannungo topicai


Being Honest is onething...but accepting that honesty is the main key here.....

anainar
04-30-2004, 05:51 PM
Shy,

Looks like you are in a terrific mood today. Opening two hyper sensitive topics.

There is one thing you guys should understand. Honesty also means not telling a lie. But it does not mean tell everything. What ever we say about broad minded it will still hurt to know there was some one else in our spouse's life. As much as one would want not to keep any secrets, one should be ready to prove his sincerity to the spouse also. He/she has to bring the spouse to know that what happened was history and does not have any bearing for presenece. This is a long drawn process and will cause heartburn initially and might recur time and again. It is like a scar that will never go away. But if the other spouse sees it as a scar and not as a cherished memory, it will be ok.

So you can be honest not to keep any secrets, but be ready to prove to the other person that it indeed is history. It can be done only over a period of time and patience.

Cheers

madhu_aish1
04-30-2004, 06:50 PM
akka touch pannura mathiri topics podureengaa.. Orae advice malazhai than erukum nenaikiren inga :00: :00:

In a world where everyone expects honesty and transparency with the others ... Marriage is a bond for stable future. So i would say it is highly necessary to be honest with the partner. But being a manipulative person i would give sometime to get to know about my wife and then let the cat out of the bag in a form she would understand and accept .. :sm12: :sm12: yey guys that is tactics not being cunning :snooty:

PS: All above words are said on the basis that i would get married and had a love failure :sm12: :sm12: Ironically hasnt happened yet :wink:

anainar
04-30-2004, 07:04 PM
What hasn't happened Madhu? Marriage or love failure? :lol:

But the tactics will not work always. The bad thing about the truth is it comes in front of you at the least expected moment. I have had experiences to prove this( not with love failure with other things :wink: ) And women are too good in picking what happened 3 years back, to nail you on the wall. I also used to think of being a tactician/strategist. But I could put to use all those at work, but nothing works at home. Either way you will be nailed to the wall. So, end result is the same whether you are honest or otherwise.( especially with women ). To a large extent I would say guys are very forgiving and forgetting. If not these two, they atleast will be open to criticism. But women are not.

Cheers

madhu_aish1
04-30-2004, 08:04 PM
Both hasnt happened thats the reason behind my happiness .. :lol: :lol: :lol:

anai .. you are scaring me with your wise thoughts and experiences.. :| looks like its better to shut up and follow words of yogi aka chinna payen .. lets see how our women folks retaliate .. I am all geared up for the battle of my destiny :ee: :ee:

yogesh220
04-30-2004, 08:17 PM
what do we really get if we are telling the truth to wife?.....honesty..these are all just humbuks...... after all life is too short to be spent worried.....and these are not worthy to worry.... according to me honesty is a virtue by which I will not cheat my wife after I got marrieed...and I dont expect my wife to be perfectly honest with me either...if her being so honest is gonna hurt me, why shud I want her to be honest....

As a matter of fact, I dont even expect my wife to be a virgin.....

sboons
04-30-2004, 08:42 PM
talking about affairs immediately after marriage is not a good thing.. when u don't know how the opp person is going to react, it is not advisable to take that risk. get to know them well, their tempermanent. if the opp person is sensitive, then it is better not to tell them at all. this doesn't mean u are not honest.. as anainar said, being honest means not lying. don't lie to them. thats it.. u are just thinking what is best for the marriage to survive..

"aayiram poi solli oru kalyanam pannalamna, pazhase maraichutu santhoshama vaazhalame" athula thapppe ille...

but if the person is still feeling about the past, then it is better to talk to some one.. may be his/her partner if he/she is not sensitive, otherwise to some one u can confide in and should try to get past the feelings. if he/she is not able to do, the marriage will not survive.. paavam rendu perum kasthapadanum...


cheers

boons

unique
04-30-2004, 09:29 PM
what do we really get if we are telling the truth to wife?.....honesty..these are all just humbuks...... after all life is too short to be spent worried.....and these are not worthy to worry.... according to me honesty is a virtue by which I will not cheat my wife after I got marrieed...and I dont expect my wife to be perfectly honest with me either...if her being so honest is gonna hurt me, why shud I want her to be honest....

As a matter of fact, I dont even expect my wife to be a virgin.....


Yogesh

You do have to be honest with u r wife(u don t have to tell abt things that hppnd b4 marriage)......but ennathaan neenga try panninalum onga manasula oru orathula,uruthal irundhu kitte irukkum,ayyo namba wife kitta unmai sollama irukomenu.....after getting to know how good u r wife is.......

seny
04-30-2004, 10:17 PM
Thats exactly what is the point... "after getting to know how good ur wife is" it is possible for a man to tell or not.. same goes with woman too.. should they think otherwise i would say it is perfectly okay (to me) of not telling the truth... i dont say here to lie.. just dont say the truth if one feels not to..

Urukku than upadesam, unnakkum ennakkum kidaiyathu.. endra mathiri than intha so called broadmindedness ellam.... when it comes to you.... you are no different from the others.. but when it comes to someone else we are ready to give the only thing that is available free of cost in this planet - advice....

Seny

vasan
04-30-2004, 10:38 PM
Urukku than upadesam, unnakkum ennakkum kidaiyathu.. endra mathiri than intha so called broadmindedness ellam.... when it comes to you.... you are no different from the others.. but when it comes to someone else we are ready to give the only thing that is available free of cost in this planet - advice....

Seny


Sorry Seny.. The opinions I expressed were only for me and my future wife. Ooor can do what ever ooor choses to do. My opinions are saying what I will do in future..

vsn..

ps: weekend, yaarkittayaavathu vambukku poganunnu thonichchu.. this is slightly safer than hitting some one else's car.. :oops: sorry seny..

seny
05-01-2004, 12:23 AM
Vasan sorry na sonathu ellamae ungalloda opinionskana pathil kidaiyathu.. i was talking only in general and none in particular with regard to what you said... once again sorry if you had felt offended by my opinions...

Seny

vasan
05-01-2004, 12:48 AM
Vasan sorry na sonathu ellamae ungalloda opinionskana pathil kidaiyathu.. i was talking only in general and none in particular with regard to what you said... once again sorry if you had felt offended by my opinions...

Seny

hello hello... naan thaan sonnene ithu vilaattukkunnu.. no need to say sorry Seny.. I was only kidding.. No sweat.. take it easy, my friend...

as we say in Geetham.. alll pagidi pagidi.. :P :P :P :P

Vasan

ps: I hardly get offended anyways..... something about my skin being strong or thick or something like that.. :wink: :P :P :P

suha
05-01-2004, 02:05 AM
:sm12: :sm12:

naan solattuma....sonna thita mattingallei..... :ee:

actulla..........apdi yedhu irrundallum........boys or girls.......marrige minnadi ye solidannum :Ksp: .....illanna rombha hurt agiduvango illiya :( ....... yaaru illannallum....naan rombha hurt agiduvein :Ksp: .....yennaku orru palakam............yenoda yedhuvum yarukkum vittu koduka mattein......adhu lolipop pa irrundallum :evil:

sagi
05-01-2004, 05:23 AM
mee toooooo agree with suha. be4 marriage sollidunga...so no need to pay fees to a lawyer :ee:

anyway i thought i had a lot to write...after reading all of your posts..i am........ :doh:

seny
05-01-2004, 11:24 AM
marraige ku b4 ethai ellam sollanumna then kalyanamae nadakathu... :lol: :lol:

Seny

yogesh220
05-01-2004, 04:05 PM
seny, atha sonnathu chinna papa, athunaala kandukkatheenga...In btw adult matter ezhuthalaamaa inga?,I have some points relating to the topic,but I am not sure that I can write them here,..moderators please help me.....

anainar
05-01-2004, 04:19 PM
mee toooooo agree with suha. be4 marriage sollidunga...so no need to pay fees to a lawyer

Sagi,

Divorce does not require a lawyer nowadays( atleast in India ). In fact according to Famiy Courts Act 1984, which was amended by many states banning lawyers in Family courts. The case has to be fought by the concerned parties and the purpose of the court is not litigation but conciliation and counselling. In the US too, unless there is child custody involved, divorce by mutual consent or irrevocable breakdown of marriage does not require legal counsel.

Well, whether this induces a person or dishonset is a different story. Apprently Dishonesty is not a ground for divorce. I can tell 1000000 lies and still my wife cannot divorce me on the grounds of my being dishonest. And what happened before marriage also cannot be a ground for divorce. But this can lead to breakdown of marriage which is a ground for divorce.

Cheers

gokulan42
05-01-2004, 05:49 PM
everybody has some crush in their lifes.... I am talking abt normal straight people here.

But, know your spouse well before being so honest abt ur romantic experiences. Sometimes, it hurts both of you

sagi
05-02-2004, 05:28 AM
I can tell 1000000 lies and still my wife cannot divorce me on the grounds of my being dishonest.

i read all anainar anna....but thought of highlighting this single sentence. can i have bava's mum's e-mail id? :ee: just kidding :ee:

but hiding it? i mean manasukkulla kuthindu irukkatha???

Shy
05-02-2004, 06:52 PM
Sorry for the late reply as always :cry: :cry:

Yes anainar, thalaikku mela bulb yaerinchathu when i was talking to one of my friend, sari nambalum romba serious topics paesee romba naal aachaenu thaan topic open paninaen :D

Now about the topic.

There are 2 things

(1) To tell ur wife/husband about ur affair
(2) Not tell them

If we do the first, then

Then u should make them feel that its past and they are the only now in ur heart

This i will never agree too, coz. That person will always be in ur heart forever. Because u
loved them and for some reason u cant be together in life. So they will be with u always.
Kaala pookula u can forget it, but a small incident can make u remember them. so they are past
is not at all true as far as I see. So even if u say this, its not an honest answer. Unless ofcourse that was a timepass affair thou ;)

If we do the second, then

Then u are not honest, meaning if they come to know abt ur affair from a thrid person other than u, then athai vida venai veera vendaam. Trust, sincerity ellam gone. Coz ennathaan neengala truthfulla for so long irunthaalum, yaen marachainu thaan first question varum.

As anainar said, "It is like a scar that will never go away." Both for u and them. Already u have a scar of the initial breakup ;) this will be one more on ur list then.


To a large extent I would say guys are very forgiving and forgetting. If not these two, they atleast will be open to criticism. But women are not.

:00: ithu chumma kathai. To be frank, every other man has a past, but even theres a drift initially the girl go on with their life. But a man cant digest that his woman has a past. So forgiving and fogetting intha vishyathula solavae solaatheenga. Marriagela gift kudakalai, aniku ithu vaangi tharala epapdi venaa oru ponnu soluvaa.. but she will be the one to forgive if u have a past. Because
more than love and everything, this is her life, she has to accept that and move on. but guyskku
appadi ellai.. nee ellaiyaa innorithi'nu they can easily go.

A great example, A man can have many wives and still life happily.. the wives they adjust and life along. This is happening. Do we the other way round...Thats the nature of a man, When it comes to himself, he can never tolerate this.Ellam wife kita unmai solrathu pathi solreenga.. Take it in the other way too. Wife vanthu unmai sonaa how should one react??? Naan first postla sona mathiri..

Shy

unique
05-02-2004, 07:50 PM
Then u are not honest, meaning if they come to know abt ur affair from a thrid person other than u, then athai vida venai veera vendaam. Trust, sincerity ellam gone. Coz ennathaan neengala truthfulla for so long irunthaalum, yaen marachainu thaan first question varum.

Shy

I had the same thots in my mind......wife/husband knowing abt u r past thru 3rd person is worse than revealing it u r self......Yaen maraichunu question varardhoda serndhu innum ennalam indha maadhiri maraichirukanum question varum.......actually this kinda situation will lead to daily quarells n finally divorce.......But am not saying that modhaleye sonna indha situation avoid panna mudiyumnu sollalai,but u r in a better position to convince n being convinced......

Like Seny said oorukku thaan ubadesamnu....it is true like we can advise others indha maadhiri pannadha nidhanama yosi b4 taking any hasty decisionnu,but when it comes to ourselves the reaction would definitely be different.....

But so wat endha situation vandhalum enna edhavadhu oru mudivu thaan irukka mudiyum adhula Honest a irukalame.....n be ready to face any situation

Suha wrote

actulla..........apdi yedhu irrundallum........boys or girls.......marrige minnadi ye solidannum .....illanna rombha hurt agiduvango illiya


marraige ku b4 ethai ellam sollanumna then kalyanamae nadakathu...

Seny

Kalyanam nadakadhadhu is better than getting divorce within few months after marriage illa.....also kalyanam pannindu nithamnitham vedanai padardhai vida not getting married after being honest is better illaiya....

sagi
05-03-2004, 04:53 AM
I agree with shy akka. when they hear your past from a 3rd person....it is a "maana pirachanai"...not your problem anymore...

he /she may not get upset about your past
but
she/he will get upset for not telling him/her

seny
05-03-2004, 04:57 PM
3rd person valiya theriya vantha sollavae vennam veetula poogambam than... ana pasanga poi sonnalum poruntha solluvanga :evil: :evil: (Shy style) ... so 3rd party valiya varathu koncham kaishtam than... but enna irunthalum ellamae depends on the situation... if by telling his/her wife/husband causes no problem at home, yarachum sollama irupangala... eppa sollama irupanga?? when things could escalate.. so it all depends on the situation and its better not to generalise...

Seny

unique
05-03-2004, 05:12 PM
3rd person valiya theriya vantha sollavae vennam veetula poogambam than... ana pasanga poi sonnalum poruntha solluvanga :evil: :evil: (Shy style) ... so 3rd party valiya varathu koncham kaishtam than... but enna irunthalum ellamae depends on the situation... if by telling his/her wife/husband causes no problem at home, yarachum sollama irupangala... eppa sollama irupanga?? when things could escalate.. so it all depends on the situation and its better not to generalise...

Seny

Seny

Ennadhaan pasanga porundha poi sonnalum,ladies can find it out easily.....enga kittendu thappave mudiyaadhu......chinna vayasula or college days la amma kitta poi sonna,appadiye nambiduvaangla enna...she knows wat u guys r upto but still adhai kanduka maataanga...that does nt mean neenga poi solli thappichukareenganu

Priyam2004
05-03-2004, 06:37 PM
Shy wrote:
After a love failure, or after an infactuation or after a breakup from a serious relationship, should one be honest and transparent about to their marriage partner about their affair.

Depends on how serious the relationship was...if it was just infactuation/crush/puppy love...then there is no necessity to bring that up unless required. If the relationship was serious - ie: love/affair/etc which had/has impact on our life, then yes honesty is very important...and the partner has a right to know that.

One should tell this before marriage, cos' that gives a chance for the partner to think and decide whether to marry or not (ie: it would not be a forced decision, it would be a decision made full heartily). Also that way there are no hurts/disappointments/guilty feelings & burdens...life will start smoothly. If you hide the matter and marry...the matter will be on your mind...so you won't be able to move freely and it's not fair on the partner.

Honesty is always welcomed openly...so better to be honest and face the consequences rather than hiding behind a wall forever! :Ksp:

Shy
05-03-2004, 06:47 PM
One should tell this before marriage, cos' that gives a chance for the partner to think and decide whether to marry or not (ie: it would not be a forced decision, it would be a decision made full heartily). Also that way there are no hurts/disappointments/guilty feelings & burdens...life will start smoothly. If you hide the matter and marry...the matter will be on your mind...so you won't be able to move freely and it's not fair on the partner.


But priyam... lets assume, that they were in a serious relationship.. Letting the partner know the truth ahead of marriage, always might not end in marriage and since we know about our community.. antha familyla iruntha ellarkkum therinchudum right.. antha guy/gal love failureaam etc etc.. wont it mess up ur life even more???

Shy

Priyam2004
05-03-2004, 07:21 PM
Shy wrote:
But priyam... lets assume, that they were in a serious relationship.. Letting the partner know the truth ahead of marriage, always might not end in marriage and since we know about our community.. antha familyla iruntha ellarkkum therinchudum right.. antha guy/gal love failureaam etc etc.. wont it mess up ur life even more???

Shy,
Yeap, I agree with that point :Ksp: ...but what if you hide the matter...get married and then later the partner comes to know of it :? then that marriage may end up in divorce...appo family'ku athu theriya varum thane...then that would end up even worse and spoil both partner's life/future! :( Athukku munnadiye sonna...inthe :sm34: heart ache varathu'le??? :cry:

Priyam2004
05-03-2004, 07:23 PM
Shy wrote:
But priyam... lets assume, that they were in a serious relationship.. Letting the partner know the truth ahead of marriage, always might not end in marriage and since we know about our community.. antha familyla iruntha ellarkkum therinchudum right.. antha guy/gal love failureaam etc etc.. wont it mess up ur life even more???

Shy,
Yeap, I agree with that point :Ksp: ...but what if you hide the matter...get married and then later the partner comes to know of it :? then that marriage may end up in divorce...appo family'ku athu theriya varum thane...then that would end up even worse and spoil both partner's life/future! :( Athukku munnadiye sonna...inthe :sm34: heart ache varathu'le??? :cry:

sagi
05-04-2004, 01:09 AM
so ippo enna thaan solringa...is it really depends on the way him/her takes in???