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Bluelotus
05-25-2004, 07:05 PM
Expecting Blips of Difficulty May Better Result in Long-Lasting Bliss

By Sid Kirchheimer
WebMD Medical News

It's all spelled out in those wedding vows: "For better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health ..." You have been warned that once you walk down the aisle, expect bumps in the road ahead.


And new research indicates that if you're a newlywed, the better you're able to expect marriage blips instead of 24/7 bliss, the better your union's chances are to successfully reach that closing line: "So long as you both shall live."


Researchers find that couples are more likely to stay satisfied in their marriage when they enter it with an accurate picture of what awaits them -- even if it's not what they want. In other words, know that round-the-clock "happily ever after" is a fairy tale, and your Prince Charming will likely display some frog-like tendencies, at least on occasion.


How to Handle Those Curveballs


According to a new study in this month's Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, the key is that your expectations of "ever after" must accurately reflect the abilities -- or lack thereof -- that you and your mate have in handling the relationship curveballs you'll face.


"For some couples, that means lowering expectations, and for others, raising them," researcher and psychologist James McNulty, PhD, of Ohio State University, tells WebMD. "It depends on the skills you have, or don't have, at handling conflict. Marriage satisfaction goes down when a spouse's expectations don't fit with reality."


Let's say your spouse comes home moody because of work hassles. If you think that can suddenly change with a big smooch or nice dinner, your expectations may not jive with reality.


"You need to understand that when a partner is going through stress, your partner will not be perfect," says McNulty. "Many people, and especially newlyweds, expect their relationship will be perfect, even in times of stress. But when it isn't, they become disappointed, and as a result, have more stress and dissatisfaction."


Skills and Expectations Should Match


That can snowball into divorce, which occurred in 17 of the 82 couples that McNulty and colleague Benjamin Karney, PhD, of the University of Florida, followed over their four-year study. The couples, all married less than three months at study start, were first videotaped while talking about an issue of difficulty in their relationship. The researchers then rated the couples' predicted problem-solving skills.

The newlyweds also completed questionnaires that examined their levels of satisfaction in their marriage, their expectations for future satisfaction, and expectations for the way their partners would behave. They also answered questions to assess whether they were more likely to blame their spouses -- and not themselves -- for problems that could arise. Each spouse was then retested every six months.

The bottom line: Spouses who had higher expectations at the beginning of their marriage -- but poor skills to achieve those expectations -- showed steep declines in marital satisfaction over time. Less positive expectations however -- despite poor skills -- predicted a more stable satisfaction with the marriage over time. But that's not to say that all couples need to lower their expectations in order to reach the heights of marital satisfaction.

"It's not about settling for less; it's realizing that sometimes, 'less' occurs and your expectations should reflect how to deal with it accordingly," McNulty tells WebMD. "But unrealistic expectations can go both ways. People can be unrealistically negative, as well. If they expect things to be bad, when they are actually good, they don't take advantage of that. So lowering expectations is not good for everyone."


How Do You Argue?


So how can you determine what you should accurately expect from your mate?


"When you put your partner on a pedestal and think he or she is perfect, that's fine if your partner can accomplish that. But most can't, so there's disappointment. It really comes down to trying to notice the impact that external things have on your spouse's behavior, understanding the ups and downs of life -- and to some extent, being able to predict them."


There's another good reason to polish your crystal ball.


Just three months ago, another finding indicated future divorce rates could be predicted -- with 94% accuracy -- with a mathematical formula based on giving positive or negative numerical scores for actions and expressions displayed while couples argued. When the math was done, researchers found the key to a successful marriage wasn't how often they argue, but how they did it.

That study, based on data of 700 couples over 32 years, showed that using humor, affection, and even understanding nods during arguments five times as often as negative tactics such as eye rolling or sighing was a key marker in whether a couple would stay intact. This research was presented before the American Association for the Advancement of Science at its recent annual meeting by noted marriage researcher John Gottman, PhD, of the Relationship Research Institute in Seattle.

His take-home advice to honing your conflict-settling skills for a longer-lasting marriage: "Basically, in good relationships people *****-foot around each other. They think about how their partner is going to react before they act or speak."

do they?? :think:


thnx to : www.msn.com (and WebMed :think: )

sWEEtmICHe
05-26-2004, 11:30 AM
wow blue..great topic ....oops!! :b:
thanks for the info...... :D
weddings wows......not practical...ya. nowadays,
i have seen ma sis marriages.....,
church wedding..... "loud and clear said"......,
but it all depends......,sharing ...communication....understand ing......trust !!.....,
that will lead to better "marraiage life "......then....
less divorce. will occur .....{beyond all the agreement upon marriage}
expectataion....alot nowadays....btwn both the partners... :think:

Bluelotus
08-23-2004, 02:25 PM
weddings wows......not practical...ya. nowadays,
i have seen ma sis marriages.....,
church wedding..... "loud and clear said"......,


Wedding wows are sacrosanct.
If one doesn't belive in them ...then obvioulsy we shouldn't make those wows.


"To marry or not to marry"...a question everyone should think about very carefully because once the ceremony is complete there is no going back :ahha:

As far as I am aware for Christian weddings..especially Church of England (Anglicans) you may chose your wows
so why not take the opportunity to come up with something that makes sense to you and that you are prepared to stick with till the end of your days on this earth.

expectations...
well we all have them ...but reality is such that we must limit those expectations to be able to lead a normal and healthy lifestyle...married or not :ahha:



blue.

vasan
08-23-2004, 07:25 PM
so why not take the opportunity to come up with something that makes sense to you and that you are prepared to stick with till the end of your days on this earth

In other words, know that round-the-clock "happily ever after" is a fairy tale, and your Prince Charming will likely display some frog-like tendencies, at least on occasion.



What would that be??

Either death or until this comes along...
------ For as long as we both shall find it economically sensible? or
------ Until some other new found love do you part? or
------ For as long as we both shall find it convenient? or
------ Until the first quarrel, baby, vacation, honeymoon?

Just what exactly is 'something that you are prepared to stick' mean?

Why getting married at all then?

Its a sad thing to describe a marriage as two peole doing a balance act, '*****-footing'.. Whatever happened to understanding each other, loving others warts and all, and sacrifice? Is self importance so important that we don't have to be like good people?! That being said, I perferctly agree that there are extenuating circumstances like spousal abusal, where ending the marriage is good thing. But those are EXTENUATING circumstances.

Pity are the days when a marriage and relationships have to be compeletely described by Pchychology texts.. !!

Vasan

Ps:


In other words, know that round-the-clock "happily ever after" is a fairy tale, and your Prince Charming will likely display some frog-like tendencies, at least on occasion.


Hear.. hear.. The one really good piece of advice.. :sm12: :sm12:

There ain't no prince charmings any more, kiss however many froggies you want.. :P :P
Are some very important people listening to me.. :wink:

Bluelotus
08-23-2004, 08:45 PM
What would that be??
well oh venerable one... :ee:
you may not be aware of this ..but the traditional vows they make you take are along the lines of:
promise to obey him, honour him, blah blah blah :evil:

:lol: not likely to happen is it :wink:
I mean let's be realistic....it might have more chances of working if they substituted "him" for "her" :sm12:




Just what exactly is 'something that you are prepared to stick' mean?

Why getting married at all then?

well my point exactly...lets not ...lets all live in SIN :ee: so much more fun ...especially since they are so many yummy froggies

[as long as Mum and Dad don't see this EVER, I am living it large baby :P :cool: :P ]


Its a sad thing to describe a marriage as two peole doing a balance act, '*****-footing'.. Whatever happened to understanding each other, loving others warts and all, and sacrifice? Is self importance so important that we don't have to be like good people?! That being said, I perferctly agree that there are extenuating circumstances like spousal abusal, where ending the marriage is good thing. But those are EXTENUATING circumstances.

Pity are the days when a marriage and relationships have to be compeletely described by Pchychology texts.. !!


what is psychology but the study of interpersoanl relations :ahha: isn't marriage relations of 2 psyches :Ksp: ?


Understanding is really a juggling act...just wait till you get married ... you'll get a super fast crash course :ee: ... :wink:





In other words, know that round-the-clock "happily ever after" is a fairy tale, and your Prince Charming will likely display some frog-like tendencies, at least on occasion.


Hear.. hear.. The one really good piece of advice.. :sm12: :sm12:

There ain't no prince charmings any more, kiss however many froggies you want.. :P :P
Are some very important people listening to me.. :wink:

whatever :Ksp:

:P :P :P
at least one of those yummy froggies :sm05: are bound to have some princely qualities right :ee:
that will do .. :wink:

I dunno If the VIPs are listening to you Vasan ...but I'm getting the message loud and clear :ee:
:think: btw what if I tried elephants instead of froggies ....would it have a better chance of working? :think:



blue.

vasan
08-23-2004, 08:59 PM
Well, the traditional vows also say, 'Will you love her, honor her, comfort her, and keep her".. All that it talks about it to respect and honour each other in merely archaic language. Only word, probably offensive to the 'enlightened' is the matter of obey.. !!!

However, my criticism is not about the choice of words, but rather the willingness to make a commitment based on 'the longest' convenient period. The moment it becomes incovenient, chuck it out of the window is NOT an good attitude to get into a wedding.

Pschycology might in theory be the study of psyches - but it is only a study, not a solution. It shows what is, not what should be. Much like science and ethics. While science might help you understand and formulate your ethics and 'values' it is still can not teach what should be. There is the difference, dear Mlle, and I think that is something of value.

Well.. well.. well.. All those reference to 'people' is just for convenience. It was meant for only one person, and I am glad that person got the message very clear. :wink: :P :P (rr.. Just kidding, your Royal Highness.. !! :sm03: :sm03:

Good luck with 'frog-kissing', if I may so boldy add.. :P :P (No offense again, your majesty.. :sm03: :sm03: :sm03: )

v-

butterfly
08-23-2004, 10:51 PM
"For some couples, that means lowering expectations, and for others, raising them," researcher and psychologist James McNulty, PhD, of Ohio State University, tells WebMD. "It depends on the skills you have, or don't have, at handling conflict. Marriage satisfaction goes down when a spouse's expectations don't fit with reality."



Blues,
Interesting topic... :b:

so is he saying its good or bad to have expectations?..How do u lower or raise ur expectation?



Let's say your spouse comes home moody because of work hassles. If you think that can suddenly change with a big smooch or nice dinner, your expectations may not jive with reality.


Does this mean u live the person alone when he his moody :00:



His take-home advice to honing your conflict-settling skills for a longer-lasting marriage: "Basically, in good relationships people *****-foot around each other. They think about how their partner is going to react before they act or speak."


Now u have to think before u speak to the person u love?...

looks like each person's view on marriage is so different...adhu than ivalavu problemso?

Bluelotus
08-23-2004, 11:12 PM
yes I think you have the crux of the matter butterfly

ppl have different expectations and views abt how a marriage should be
they all have different marital examples form their parents... so hence all the confusion and conflicts.

I think the author is trying to put fwd the point that thoughless words may hurt even those that love and undertsand you the most :think:

Marriage is the biggest commitment of all, the biggest financial partnership the most demanding friendship... you get the picture I guess :wink:
hence why we all have expectations abt it...
I agree Vasan if we are not prepared for "forever" then we shouldn't make the commitment.

blue.

butterfly
08-23-2004, 11:32 PM
Marriage is the biggest commitment of all, the biggest financial partnership the most demanding friendship... you get the picture I guess
hence why we all have expectations abt it...


Isnt Life made of expectations?
Isnt Life made of commitments?

until now i am sure everyone has had some expectations of our parents,our friends,our siblings...once the expectations were not met...it did hurt...but did it mean we broke all our ties with them & moved on?

Arent we all commited to some thing...it cud be ur studies or ur job...Or it cud be realtionships...wat about our commitment to our parents?...do we just walk away as soon as we start earning?...wat about our brothers & sisters?...dont we commit ourself in teaching them ir helping them out in time of need
are we not commited to our friends?...how many of us have friends frm when we were babies

so Y is marriage so different?...its 2 humanbeing after all


vasan anna wrote,


All that it talks about it to respect and honour each other in merely archaic language.


If we can respect everyone...Y is it so hard to respect ur wife/husband?